One year ago today I started this blog with these words…

“We decided to create this blog so those of you who have been with us from the beginning of this process could witness it finally, finally coming to its incredible conclusion, the moment we bring Zoe home…”

Reading that first post now makes me laugh. Because, as I quickly discovered, the real journey began after we landed back on American soil and had to get down to the business of being Zoe’s parents. I had no idea when I wrote that first post what the next year would hold, which proved to be both a blessing and a curse. Although it would have been nice to have been better prepared for the challenges Zoe would bring home with her, had I known, I might have chosen not to disrupt our very quiet lives to add this little person to our family. For the past twelve months, the blog shared our triumphs and funny moments with all those who read it. What it didn’t do, however, was chronicle what life was really like in this first year with Zoe. Everything in the blog is true. The blog just doesn’t tell you everything.

Although it may read that way, the last year has not been easy. Maybe it’s adoption and the special set of circumstances that creates, maybe it’s Zoe and her life experiences and personality, or maybe it’s me, with my lack of understanding of how adoptive parenting differed from biological parenting. It’s probably all three of those things in different proportions at different times – but this past year has been a combination of both the highest of highs and some of the lowest lows imaginable. Who knew how difficult it could be when a child you just want to love refuses to let you in or consistently pushes you away? Who knew how wonderful it would be when she puts her head on my shoulder and whispers in my ear, “My Mommy…forever and ever.”?

I look back at this past year and wonder…could I have done this better? (Without a doubt…but me being human, and a very flawed and not very patient one at that, played a major role in the last 12 months…) How many mistakes did I make? (…‘cause I stopped counting at triple digits…) What was I really expecting this year to be like? (I honestly don’t know…) When it’s all said and done, are we all better off today than we were one year ago? Absolutely, yes! Zoe is happy and healthy – just looking at the difference in the pictures amazes me (see below). There’s no doubt that our lives have been blessed with her giggles and hugs. Perhaps best of all, she and Caleb have become sister and brother and, no matter what, they will always have each other.

So why has it been so tough? Many years ago, when I became engaged, someone very wise reminded me not to get so caught up in the wedding that I forgot that I was getting married. (Thanks, Mom. That is, hands down, the best advice I ever got.) I only wish someone had said a similar thing to me on the eve of traveling to Taiwan. Now here we are, almost one year after Zoe’s Gotcha Day, and I have learned a few lessons that I would share with other prospective adoptive parents. First, Gotcha Day is only the beginning - in all the paperwork and the process, the planning and preparation to travel, and the anticipation and joy of that first moment together, take some time to think about what comes next. Whether it takes a month or a year, there will be a period of transition and it probably won't go exactly the way you think it should. And second, be aware that expectations are pesky things, and imposing them on someone we haven’t met, we don’t know, and we don’t yet love, can create more problems than you think. Let them go. Open your heart to the possibilities in this one little person and be patient. Chances are, you didn’t really fall in love with your significant other at first sight, and it is unrealistic to expect that it will happen with your child. Figuring this out finally freed me to allow love to grow rather than mourning the instantaneous love that didn’t happen.

As for the blog - I have often wondered over the past year if I was doing a disservice to other prospective adoptive parents by painting too rosy a picture of this first year with Zoe. Will some other mother, newly home with her much anticipated child, feel like a failure because their experience hasn’t lived up to her expectations and because, now that they’re home, she’s wondering what in the hell she’s done? Will reading this blog make that worse for her, as so many of the “happily ever after” adoption stories I read in the early days did for me? I hope not. I hope she can read between the lines and get some idea of just how imperfect this first year has been. I haven’t shared the difficulties and the disappointments for many reasons, but mainly because I was always aware that once those words were published, I could never take them back. And because as tempting as it was to use this blog to vent my own frustrations, I never wanted what I said to come back to haunt Zoe – believe me, some things are better left unsaid.

So, as we approach our one year anniversary as a forever family, what have I learned? I have learned that just because I already was a parent, didn’t mean I had any idea what I was getting myself into when we decided to adopt. I have learned that I have to cut myself some slack – I cannot be responsible for the life experiences Zoe had before we brought her home. I have learned that I can have the worst possible day with Zoe and still put a happy face on it so I have something to post. I have learned that convincing one small child that I really do have the right to parent her can be a very hard thing to do. I have learned, for the second time as a parent, that the things in life that are hard-won are the things I truly cherish. And I have learned that real love can take a long time to blossom, but that doesn’t make it any less sweet.

This has been an incredible year and an amazing journey. And although our journey will continue, Bringing Home Zoe will soon come to an end. Zoe is home. She has found her forever family and her forever Mommy. We’re imperfect, that’s for sure, but we are forever. I guess this story ends with “…happily ever after…” after all.